And again, it won’t happen

Well, that was that then. There’s no hope anymore. And we were all so looking forward to it. It united the nation. Hundreds of people volunteered to try and make it possible, but since yesterday evening we all know better. It won’t happen. The Elfstedentocht won’t go on.

If it wasn’t so disappointing, it would be funny. Earlier this week I posted about people suffering from the Eleven Cities Tour Fever after only one night of frost. Television programs were dedicated to the 200 kilometres (124.2 miles) long ice skating tour on natural ice, past 11 cities in Friesland, the Netherlands. From Leeuwarden back to Leeuwarden again.
If you turned on the radio it was topic of conversation.
It was the first thing we, often jokingly, asked each other: “And, already in training?”, and instantly the other person would know what they were supposed to be in training for.

Even I had a mild case of the fever. A telephone conversation between me and a friend, earlier this week:

Me: “Already in training?”
He: “Hmm, not really. You know, I’m more of a long distance ice skater.”
Me: “You mean, the 200 kilometres isn’t long enough for you?”
He: “Not much of a challenge.”
Me: “And besides, it’s only one round.”
He: “Oh, but I usually do more rounds. One round isn’t really… just when you found your skating rhythm, you’re already at the finish line.”
Me: “Hmm, that’s true.”
He: “And I always ‘kluun’ from Groningen to Leeuwarden too, to warm up the muscles.”
Me: “Sure you do.”

Anyway, there were people more serious about the Elfstedentocht. Professional skaters, looking forward to this once in a lifetime skating event, were in tears last night when the news broke at a press conference.

The last Elfstedentocht was in 1997 and before that the ice only was safe enough in 1985 and 1986. This year it looked like the ice could be thick enough (minimum of 15 centimetres) to hold the expected 16,000 skaters, but unfortunately a large part of the ice was covered in snow. Snow works as an insulation and it prevents the ice from ‘growing’. So the snow had to be removed. The ice wasn’t thick enough yet to allow snow shovelling machines on the ice, so it had to be done by hand. Entire villages went on ‘their’ stretch of ice to shovel the snow to the sides. Schools volunteered their pupils for shovelling. And people from all over the country went to Friesland to do their part. The army sent 50 soldiers, who just had returned from polar training, to shovel snow. I’ve always wondered why soldiers need polar training, since most wars are fought in hotter (in more than one sense) parts of the world. But now it makes sense.

It really did unite the nation.

But the weather isn’t doing its part. It’s not freezing hard enough anymore. Temperatures are still below zero, but it isn’t cold enough to make the ice ‘grow’. So… yesterday evening the news came that it couldn’t go through. Not that a date was set yet. But we all lived in hope that it could perhaps take place this Saturday or perhaps Sunday.

If you watch the video (follow this link) you will understand the atmosphere of the whole event. It truly is magnificent. After about a minute, you’ll see the competition skaters start. All skaters have to run to the Bonkevaart (the canal where the starting point is), put on their skates and then skate the entire route, collecting a stamp in every city they skate through. Because of the amount of people who skate the Elfstedentocht, they start very early in the morning, when it is still dark (so the first hour or so they can’t even see where they are skating). First the competitive skaters start and after that the tour skaters start in groups. The later they start, the later they will arrive back in Leeuwarden, so many of them will arrive in the dark. They are only allowed to pass the finish line until precisely 12 o’clock at night. When you’re late, you won’t get a medal to prove that you’ve done the tour. Life is hard. Now I know that lots of tour skaters take breaks in bars along the route, so it’s a wonder they do even finish at all, but still it is incredibly sad when you’ve braved the cold, skated 200 kilometres, avoided freezing to death or breaking limbs, and then you arrive at the finish at 10 seconds past 12. Bad luck! Better luck next time. If there is a next time that is.

The video also shows what ‘klunen’ is. It’s rather funny to watch.

And you’ll see our Queen at the finish line of the competition to greet the winner. Even our crown prince skated the tour once. I believe it was in 1997. Brave boy.

Ah well, who knows, maybe next year we’ll have another Elfstedentocht. Or perhaps even this year. If temperatures get as low as –15 Celsius again. Don’t burn your skates yet! There’s always hope.

Klunen: in places where the ice is too unsafe to skate on, skaters have to get off the ice and stagger on their skates to a place where they can get on the ice again and continue the tour.

Fever!

…in the morning… fever all throuhough the night…

At the moment the entire Dutch population is suffering from the FEVER! The Elfstedentochtkoorts (Eleven Cities Tour Fever) to be precise. We’ve had what, three days with sub-zero temperatures, and you can’t open a newspaper, watch a TV program or turn on the radio and it is the main subject. “Will it happen this year. Is this the year that the Elfstedentocht will be held again?” The last one was held in 1997 mind you so it isn’t a happening that can be organised very often. Hence the feverish enthusiasm of people who can skate and want to skate the ‘tour of tours’ at least once in their lifetime.

For those of you who don’t know about the Elfstedentocht, it is the world’s largest and longest speed skating competition and leisure skating tour (got that from Wikipedia) and it is held in the province of Friesland. Here in the Netherlands. It is about 200 kilometres in length and takes place on frozen canals, rivers and lakes and between eleven cities in Friesland. From Leeuwarden back to Leeuwarden again. Because of the amount of idiots lunatics fanatics people (about 15,000) who put on their skates to skate the entire 200 kilometres in bitterly cold weather, risking freezing to death breaking arms, legs and whathaveyou on the bumpy icy surface, the ice has to be a minimum thickness of 15 centimetres. And that seldom happens. Which is why the last editions of this tour were in 1985, 1986 and 1997. There’s a whole generation who never experienced the happening that is the Elfstedentocht.

Because it is very unlikely that the entire route has the required 15 centimetres thickness of ice, in places where the ice isn’t thick enough (predominantly under bridges), the skaters have to get off the ice and walk on their skates to a place where it is safe to get back onto the ice again. That is called ‘klunen’. I remember that on Koninginnedag (another typical Dutch event, the celebration of the Queen’s birthday) after the 1985 elfstedentocht you could ‘klunen voor een kwartje’ (‘klunen’ for 25 cents) on the traditional Queen’s day flea market in Amsterdam. Some clever guys built a wooden bridge on the pavement and if you paid 25 cents you could put on skates and stagger to the other side of the bridge. I bet they were rich guys by the end of that day. It was an incredibly popular thing to do then.

The things one remembers…

Anyway…

Another thing some people get very excited about when we’ve had about one night of frost is the first ice skating marathon on natural ice. Where will the first one be held?!?!? Traditionally there are three rivalling places in the race for organising this marathon: Hardenberg, Nieuw-Amsterdam-Veenoord (yep, it is one village with three names) and Noordlaren.

Now, Noordlaren often win, because they are smart farmers with the right equipment to create a great, smooth ice surface. A tractor and a liquid manure tank filled with water. And then they drive around the track, spraying a miniscule layer of water every round. And they do this all night long, taking turns in driving the tractor round the track. The other villages just put a load of water on their track and then go to sleep. Which is why the dedicated people of Noordlaren have deservedly won the race for the first Marathon on natural ice this year once again. It was held last night. Noordlaren is the next village from where we live, and hubs loves to watch marathon ice skating (with the emphasis on watch), so he and a couple of friends defied the cold and went to Noordlaren.

I’ve been to watch the marathon two years ago, when it was held during the day. So I thought: ‘been there, done that’ and stayed at home to poke up the fire and make hot chocolate for when they got back.

They have a novelty Zamboni in Noordlaren:

The cameraman didn’t need a fridge to keep his lunch cold…

which is how you blow your nose when you obviously don’t have pockets for a handkerchief

Such fun.

The weather

Just a short, and very uninspired, weather update:

We’ve had so much rain over the last four days or so, that some dikes (not the lesbians, but the  embankments of earth and rock built to prevent floods) are on the point of breaking through. And since the Netherlands are not called the NETHER lands for nothing, for the most part our country actually lies below sea level and only our dikes (no, not the lesbians, although I’m not saying they won’t come to the rescue if needed) are keeping us from drowning, these are exciting times.

Also, there’s currently a Code Orange in place for our part of the country, because of the North-Westerly storm.
I haven’t had much sleep last night. Our house is surrounded by trees and the wind was blowing so hard that it sounded like we were continuously about to be hit by oncoming trains. Or by falling trees.
When they give us a Code Red, we’re all about to die.

Or maybe not.

Fortunately it looks like the weather will calm down. Apparently we’ll not be getting much more rain and the storm will ease after tonight. Phew.

Hope the weather is better at your end of the world.

Training Evie and other horse related news

Evie is 2 and a half years old now. We’re slowly preparing her for her future career as a well-behaved riding horse (hopefully). Our trainer/friend thought that today was the perfect day to put a saddle on her for the very first time. We’re not going to ride her yet, she’s far too young, but letting her get acquainted with the equipment is an important step towards that.

Having a saddle on your back and a girth around your belly is quite an event for such a young horse. We’ve been lunging her, so she’s used to that, and she’s also used to the bridle and a double-jointed snaffle/bit (?) . But you never know how a young horse reacts to the saddle. So, there I was, well out of the way with iPod at the ready to shoot some exciting footage of Evie reacting to the saddle.

And here it is, the blockbuster movie of the future. Just a couple of warnings before you watch it:

- it is a very exciting movie, so make sure you’ve taken your pills (actually, nothing exciting happens, it is the most boring movie ever. And long!)
- my voice is back and you will hear it (when trainer/friend shuts up for a moment ), but you probably won’t understand what I’m saying, since most of it is Dutch. And since what I’m saying didn’t make any sense in the first place, you’re not missing anything important.

TRAINING EVIE

putting a saddle on Evie for the first time

We’re very proud of our not so little girl. She’s behaving very well.
Don’t look at her fat belly. She’s had a bit too much to eat the last couple of days. And she is a woman. You know how it is with women. One bite too many and immediately we put on pounds. Fortunately for her, Evie is one of those girls who loses those pounds faster than you can say ‘diet’. If I didn’t love her so much, I’d hate her.

 

Other horse related news:

I’ve started yet another blog. It is called: de andere paardenfoto. Which is Dutch for ‘a different horse-photo’ or for ‘horse-photo with a difference’. It is a Dutch blog and I’ve started it with the aim of trying to get people enthusiastic enough to hire me for a photo-shoot of (them and) their horse(s). Who knows what it will lead to. You never know how a cow catches a hare. I’ve only just started it yesterday, and I’m almost continuously adding photos to it, but perhaps you’d like to take a look over there and scroll down to see what I call ‘de andere paardenfoto’. Please let me know what you think (be honest, but gentle).

Good News deserves a Fat Bastard

Today was Result Day of hubs’ colon cancer examinations. And the news is good. They found nothing else, except for the rather large tumour we already knew is there in his colon. The tumour is on the border of his colon and his rectum. But fortunately they have decided it can be treated as colon cancer. If they would have decided that the tumour was situated too low, hubs would have had to undergo chemo- and radiotherapy first. So, since they have decided it is in his colon, an operation only will do. And, unless they discover something scary about the tumour when it is removed, that will be it.

It must have been all the positive energy and thoughts and your prayers, don’t you think?

When hubs’ doctor delivered the good news and we talked about what the next steps in his treatment will be, I said: “Good! And now we’re going to buy some ‘Moorkoppen’ to celebrate.” (‘Moorkoppen’ are hubs’ favourite pastry (and ‘rijstevlaai met slagroom’ too actually)). So on our way home we stopped at a bakery and bought some ‘Moorkoppen’.

One could consider the name Moorkop to be politically incorrect if one is very sensitive about these things. It means something like Moorish Head, probably referring to the delicious chocolate topping on the choux pastry? But I’m sure the Moorkop doesn’t mean to insult anyone. Their sole purpose in life is to be delicious. Choux pastry, lots and lots of whipped cream and chocolate and for the healthy touch a piece of sliced pineapple.

In fact, I googled ‘moorkop’  after I wrote the above and found this: The origin of the name moorkop lies in Den Bosch. There was a house named ‘de Moriaan’, and the residents were well-known for their cooking. They specialised in delicious patisseries. At some point in time a pastry made by the cooks became a popular delicacy and someone shouted: 'it looks like a morenkop' (a ‘morenkop’ is a stone head of a moor, or black man, that hung above many pharmacies). Our moorkop came from the name 'morenkop'.

And if one eats too many of these, one becomes a…

… fat bastard. That’s right.

I saw this Rose (haven’t found out how to get the ‘accent aigu’ above the a or e; the combination ‘e or ‘a doesn’t work on this laptop, so if someone knows the trick, please let me know) in a supermarket and I couldn’t resist it. Look how cute the hippo is. And I mean; Fat bastard. Does that not bring a smile to your face? It does to mine. And it doesn’t taste bad either.

We might open a bottle tonight with a couple of friends who want to celebrate the good news with us.

Now we have to wait for hubs’ operation, which will take place later this month. They gave him a book full of information about the examinations he’s had and about the operation and apparently they will let him go home after the operation ‘if the patient can pass wind’. WELL… what can I say. To me that seems to be a wise decision from the hospital’s point of view. I hope he doesn’t pass too much wind when he gets home though. I could do without another flatulent guy in this home. Biggles passes enough wind for the entire population of our village me thinks.

Petje (the cat) is extremely brave to pick this spot to have a nap. I’m happy to say that she did survive the gas attacks and that she didn’t get squashed either. They were both really comfortable actually. It’s amazing. I know.

Bad news…

…. so I’ll give it to you straight. Yesterday we heard the news that hubs (his name is Hans, should you want to pray for him or send positive thoughts his way; it probably works better if they are directed towards someone with a name ;-)) has colon cancer.  So, for the next two weeks we know what he (and I) will be doing. Hospital visits galore. To find out just where exactly the tumour is and if the cancer has spread. Hopefully not. And then his treatment will start. Depending on where the tumour is located the treatment will be an operation and afterwards radio/chemotherapy if necessary. Or the other way around; first radio/chemotherapy and then an operation.

Quite shocking wouldn’t you say? We thought so. But we’re optimistic people. And hubs needed a vacation anyway. And he doesn’t feel ill or sick. Yet.

Shit.

Talking about shit; next Monday he has to go to the hospital for a second colonoscopy. Today we went to the chemists for the ‘industrial laxatives’ he needs to take beforehand. And I know I’ve posted this Billy Connolly video before, but it is hilarious and very topical, so worth watching again:

I’ll make sure he’s near the toilet…

(Don’t get me wrong. I know this is a serious situation. But there’s no point in getting all depressed about it. We’ll see what happens. We can always get depressed later.)

Thursday’s Trifles

Thursday’s Trifles are based on remarkable news I’ve read in our local newspaper the Dagblad van het Noorden.

How to create your own indoor swimming pool

A confused prisoner (with a hospital order) has recently created his own indoor swimming pool. The guy used stopper/adhesive and foil sheeting to seal of all the gaps in his accommodation and then turned on the taps.

The water already reached his chest when prison officers first tried to pump out his room. When that didn’t work they pulled open the door, causing the water to flood the hallway. The confused guy’s actions caused a lot of water damage.

 

Want to be a sexy guy? Move your left wrist and your right knee.

Men who want to seduce women through their dance moves should mostly move their left wrist and right knee. Research carried out by psychologists of the British Northumbria University proved that women mainly look at a man’s left wrist and right knee to determine whether he is attractive or not.

The psychologists filmed the dance moves of nineteen men. They then turned that footage into a computer animation, with Avatar-like creatures. So the looks of the men made no difference to 35 women who then had to say which dance moves they found most attractive.

Men who think their posterior determines their success are wrong. Women apparently focus on the left wrist and right knee. Head and chest do also count. Those are the body parts that women use to establish whether a man is healthy, energetic and strong and thus will be a good mating partner.

“If a man knows which moves make the difference, training can improve his chances to attract a woman through dancing”, according to psychologist Dr. Nick Neave.

Thursday’s trifles

Want to end it all? Wait 6 months!

GGZ Friesland (a mental healthcare organization) will be sending ex-patients a picture postcard to prevent them from committing suicide.

Six months after their treatment with GGZ has finished, they will receive the picture postcard with the question ‘how are you doing?’ and a personal message from their own healthcare worker. Australian research showed that such a sign of care and involvement can prevent people from committing suicide. For people who feel depressed again such a postcard will hopefully be a motivation to seek help.

 

In the same edition of the newspaper:

Suicide and depression are costing Japan billions

Japan has one of the world’s highest suicide rates. Last year almost 33,000 Japanese people ended their lives. For the last 12 years the suicide rate in Japan has been structurally above 30,000. Top of the top-list (sorry, very inconsiderate of me) is Belarus. Japan is No. 8 on the list.

 

We just can’t help it

If you favour beautiful people and ignore ugly ducklings, you can’t help that. It is nestled somewhere deep within our being. Subconsciously we prefer more attractive people. Even if we don’t want to judge someone solely on his or her looks, subconsciously we do. Attractive people get better jobs, earn more money and get shorter prison sentences. So we do not purposely discriminate less attractive people, we just can’t help it. This is the conclusion of research by the University of Nijmegen.

 

Sniffer dog hunting for bacteria

Sniffer dog Cliff will be assisting the VU hospital in Amsterdam in their battle against the hospital bacterium clostridium difficile, that can cause severe diarrhoea. The two year old beagle Cliff has been trained to search for patients who are infected with this bacterium, so these patients can be isolated to prevent further spreading of the disease.

Thursday’s Trifles

Thursday’s Trifles are based on what I’ve read in our local newspaper, the Dagblad van het Noorden.

Most irritating noise

Earplug producer ‘Herriestoppers’ (Noise stoppers) is looking for the most irritating noise in the Netherlands. Reason for our fun loving newspaper editors to interview a ‘Herriestoppers’ spokesperson:

“What kind of noises does this research include?”
”All sorts of noises. Screeching chalk on blackboards, nails on a blackboard. Snoring can be irritating to the partner.”
”Can you send in a snore anonymously? How will you keep them apart?”
”Snoring can vary from deep grumbling to high whistling.”
”Maybe your wife has sent in your snore?”
”There is that possibility.”
”But the most irritating noise is known isn’t it? The Mosquito (an ultrasonic teen deterrent)?”
”Mosquito? Never heard of that.”
”I don’t know how old you are. The Mosquito produces high tones that only juveniles can hear and discourages anti-social youths from gathering somewhere unwanted.”
”A colleague of mine here says he knows about the Mosquito.”
”What is the prize for the winner with the most irritating noise?”
”A holiday to a beautiful subtropical island in the Pacific.”
”But there are lots of little mosquitoes!”
”We’ll give the winner some ‘Herriestoppers’ and perhaps some insect repellent.”
”Who’s in the jury?”
”It’s about the most votes. A filter prevents people from continuously voting for themselves.”
”Will you use the most irritating noise to improve your product?”
”We get an insight in what people find irritating. And people ask for earplugs in fun colours.”
”Earplugs are ‘in’?”
”Hearing impairment is currently a hot item. In discotheques, pop festivals and building projects you’ll notice much more people wear hearing protection. Since my work for ‘Herriestoppers’ I use them too.”
”So everyone in your office wears earplugs?”
”No, we are not allowed to snore in the office.”

 

Most popular pet names

A magazine called ‘Onze Taal’ (Our Language) has taken stock of the most popular pet names in the Netherlands. Apparently people who have multiple pets make combinations of their names. Not only dogs and cats get ‘duo names’, but rabbits, fish and hamsters too. In the Dutch top 5 are:

• Ko and Nijn (rabbit = konijn)
• Ot and Sien (popular characters from an old children’s book)
• Urbi and Orbi
• Black and Dekker
• Chip and Dale
• Sjors and Sjimmie (two comic figures, based on Perry Winkle and the Rinkeydinks)

Most popular are Donder and Bliksem (Thunder and Lightning).

Any ideas or suggestions, dear readers, for the most popular ‘duo pet names’ in your country?

Thursday’s Trifles

Thursday’s Trifles are based on what I’ve read in our local newspaper, the Dagblad van het Noorden.

Miraculous resurrection

A dead chicken came back to life after almost an hour. Reason for our fun loving newspaper editors to interview the owner of the miraculous chicken.
“Mouth-to-beak-resuscitation?”
“I’m not crazy!”
“What happened?”
“We came home from a barbecue party. My daughter found chicken Curry floating in our pool. Dead.”
“The chicken couldn’t swim?”
“The chicken couldn’t swim.”
“And then?”
“I wanted to dump the dead chicken in the garbage container. But the children thought that was sad, so we were going to bury it the next day in stead. Since I work on an ambulance I started to massage the chicken. You know, in one hand the chicken and in the other hand a pint.
But first I held the chicken upside down. Lots of water came out. And after about 45 minutes it regained consciousness.”
“A miracle?”
“I don’t know anything about chickens. We keep them for fun.”
“Was Curry shoved into the pool?”
“You’re thinking of attempted murder? I think it just flew in the pool.”
“Maybe the neighbours…?”
“Our garden is enclosed. And the chickens don’t even cluck.”
“You keep more than one chicken?”
“Sateh may have escaped too. But she was back in the coop again.”
“Curry? Sateh? Will they end up in the frying pan eventually?”
“No, if that was the case it would have been better if I’d chopped Curry up into a pan immediately. She was freshly dead!”

Thursday’s Trifles

Thursday’s Trifles are based on what I’ve read in our local newspaper: the Dagblad van het Noorden

A day late, sorry. But better late than never. Who would want to miss such important information!

What does this flower remind you of?

Each year the Flower Council of Holland organizes an election for the best office plant. This year’s winner is …tadaaaaa… the Anthurium scherzerianum or the Flamingo plant. Oh yes!
Regular Thursday’s Trifles readers will have guessed it: our fun loving newspaper editors saw an opportunity for an interesting interview with one of the members of the jury.

”Does the Flamingo plant survive a summer holiday without water?”
”No, it won’t make it.”
”Is the Flamingo plant pink?”
”Yes, it’s pink. But it can also be another colour. And with a little bit of imagination the flower (or actually the spathe) resembles a Flamingo beak.”

“Isn’t this a distinctly commercial election?”
”It is indeed an initiative of the Flower Council of Holland, but  plants are very important in offices. Especially people who do creative work perform better when there are plants in their offices.”
”In my office we have a lonely, plastic palm.”
”I would consider real plants if I were you.”
”How did the election go?”
”A jury of professionals has judged 6 candidates. Criteria were the ability to purify the air, maintenance aspects, availability and diversity, like sizes and colours. Three candidates remained.”
”And then?”
”Then thirty executive secretaries chose the Flamingo plant.”
”Executive secretaries? Is the Flamingo plant such an executive plant?”
”Not really. But the secretary often decides what goes on the desk.”
…….
”Saps of the Flamingo plant can cause skin and eye irritation.”
”Many plants are more or less poisonous. Some taste good and are eatable. You shouldn’t eat leaves of the Flamingo plant.”
”Better to bring a packed lunch from home?”
”That would be better.”

 

To censor or not to censor

The Royal Library in The Hague will put ‘Nazi newspapers’ from the Second World War on the internet. The library considers it important ‘to place the historic reality uncensored at everyone’s disposal’. Also this will open possibilities for important scientific research.
The Royal Library will be putting all newspapers from the past 400 years on the internet, freely accessible to anyone.
The problem with the newspapers from the 2nd World War who supported Nazi ideas, is that the Royal Library could be held responsible for distributing discriminating contents. Furthermore the institute can be considered an accessory to persons who will misuse these newspapers.
The department of Justice has already warned that publication of these ‘Nazi newspapers’ could be cause for the Public Prosecutor to take action.
The Royal Library is willing to take the chance and to see if the department of Justice will decide to prosecute.
CIDI (Centre Information and Documentation Israël) prefers these newspapers not to be published on the internet, but to stay in the library or for researchers to be given access to a ‘private’ website.
Eventually the Royal Library’s website will contain about 8 million newspaper pages.

Thursday’s Trifles

Thursday’s Trifles are based on what I’ve read in our local newspaper,  Dagblad van het Noorden.

A goat is not a dog

On the Dutch island Terschelling the police found a boy (aged 16) who was on a walkabout with a goat. Our fun loving newspaper editors published an interview with a police-spokesperson.

“Taking a goat for a walk after a night out is a custom typical for Terschelling?”
”I shouldn’t think so. The boy was on his way back to the campsite after a night out and he was very drunk.”
”Did you just by chance come across this guy?”
”Yes, we saw the young man standing by the roadside at three o’clock in the morning, with the goat. And we thought: ‘that does not look like a dog’. So we decided to ask him what he was doing.”
”And?”
”He was really really drunk and told us a story about him just wanting to take the goat for a walk.”
”Did he perhaps need someone to talk to?”
”Could be. He insisted that he had only borrowed the goat for a little stroll. But perhaps he wanted to steal the goat. We gave him a fine.”
”Was the guy even approachable?”
”He was in a very cheerful mood.”
”Cheerful?”
”He thought it was all a big joke. He had to laugh about everything.”
”And when you gave him the fine? Was he still laughing?”
”I imagine he’ll think twice next time he wants to take a goat for a walk.”
”How did the goat take it’s abduction?”
”Very well. The goat was cool about it. Perhaps it even enjoyed the adventure. Goats are not thát intelligent.”
”No?”
”Well, I think dogs have some intellect, but goats are quite stupid.”

 

Thursday’s Trifles

Thursday’s Trifles are based on what I’ve read in our local newspaper, the Dagblad van het Noorden

Monkey Rugby with pacifiers

Monkey zoo Apenheul in Apeldoorn hands out pieces of string so parents with small children can tie their pacifiers to the buggies. A necessary action, because otherwise the 128 Saimiri monkeys (squirrel monkeys) that are roaming around freely, nick them.

(the Saimiri monkey in the video below is obviously looking for the real thing)

So, our fun loving newspaper editors interviewed someone from the Apenheul about this:

“Isn’t it a better idea to buy 128 pacifiers? One for each squirrel monkey?” ”We could have done that, if they do actually use the pacifiers for suckling. But they don’t.” ”What dó they do with them?” ”They see it as a sport to nick them and then they play sort of a rugby game with it. Chasing each other while trying to capture the pacifier.” ”And do they hand the pacifiers over to the keepers?” ”Not always. If only one of the monkeys has captured a pacifier, they all try to snatch it. We can usually hear from their squealing that they have something and we will try to get the object back.” ”Do they only nick pacifiers?” ”Unfortunately they nick all sorts of things. We hand out monkeyproof bags for people to put their things away safely if they walk through the part of the park where the monkeys are roaming around freely.” ”Once the pacifier of my girlfriend was stolen by one of your monkeys. Lots of tears of course!” ”That can’t have been too long ago. Perhaps we still have it.” ”Are you pulling my leg?” ”I’m only joking. Sometimes we’ll find a pacifier, but if it is somewhere high up in a tree we can’t get to it.” ”So… what sort of string is it that you are handing out?” ”We are still looking for real pacifier strings or ribbons. For now we just give the parents a piece of normal string.” ”What do the monkeys think of this?” ”They hate it! They have been demonstrating against it for days. No, wait, I’ll ask the keeper. Ah. He says they haven’t approached him about it yet.”

Quite a spectacle

A 35-year old man from Helmond (which translates to Hellmouth. Imagine living there.) has been arrested for stealing 100 spectacles from an optician’s store. He broke the window, nicked the 100 spectacles and fled the premises on his light moped. Somewhat later the police noticed the suspect sputtering away on his moped, but he ignored their stop sign. At which point one of the police officers got out of the police car, borrowed a bicycle from an innocent bystander and continued the chase by bike. The suspect was eventually stopped. He didn’t give an explanation for the theft of the spectacles and has been jailed pending further investigation.

Orang-utans give get master class gymnastics

Orang-utans in Ouwehands Dierenpark Rhenen (a Dutch zoo) will be given a master class in gymnastics Friday afternoon by Olympic gymnast Epke Zonderland. The Orang-utans have recently moved to a new accommodation, which is higher and houses 8 tree-shaped poles that go up to a height of 10 meters. Those poles are new to the Orang-utans and the apes don’t really master the art of climbing anymore. Epke will do his gymnastic exercises in an ape free zone underneath the trees, but they can see him. The zoo hopes the apes will learn the ‘tricks of the trade’ from Epke.

Thursday’s Trifles

Thursday’s Trifles are based on what I’ve read in our local newspaper Dagblad van het Noorden

Crabzilla

Sea Life Scheveningen will be the new home for a Japanese Giant Spider Crab, or Giant Japanese Spider Crab, whichever you prefer, with a leg span of 3.5 meters (11.5 feet). It weighs 15 kilos. This spider crab was caught in the Pacific Ocean at the end of last year.

Of course the DvhN considered this to be a wonderful subject for an interview with someone from Sea Life Scheveningen:

“Who will be Crabzilla’s new housemates?”
”He will live together with thornback rays, spotted rays, blond rays, tub gurnards, seabass, dogfish and catfish in a 30,000 liter aquarium.
”Are his new housemates psychologically prepared yet?”
”That will be a bit difficult to do. But this crab may look dangerous; it isn’t. Normally it scavenges around on the bottom of the sea for ‘leftovers’. It doesn’t run around hunting for live food. On the contrary. He won’t hurt a fly fish.”
……
”Can he predict the football results?” (referring to psychic squid Paul)
”There is no need for that now the World Championships are over.”
”How does one transport a broadloom crab?”
”Simply in a refrigerated truck. He is only broadloom when he is stretched out, but that is not his natural position.”
”So you won’t have to fold him?”
”No no, usually his legs are bent.”
”Can he expect any female visitors?”
”I wouldn’t think so. Even though females are smaller than males, it will get a bit crowded in the aquarium. He must be able to tramp about in his new home.”

 

Reverse parking challenge championships for women

On the 17th of September the first Reverse Parking Championships For Women will be held in Antwerp (Belgium). It is open for women from the Benelux (Belgium, Netherlands, Luxembourg) and is organized by car rental company Hertz.

 

I’m sorry I don’t have more entertaining or weird news for you this week. Hopefully next week…

Thursday’s Trifles

Thursday’s Trifles are based on what I’ve read in our local newspaper Dagblad van het Noorden

A fine 50% discount

A judge in Groningen detracted 50 Euros from a fine, because the suspect had taken the trouble to make the journey to the Groninger Court to defend himself. A trip of about 200 kilometres.
The man was convicted because he had, under the influence of alcohol, demolished a window of his brother’s car. The judge gave him a 100 Euros fine, of which 50 Euros were a conditional sentence, taking both into consideration that the guy had already paid for a new window for his brother’s car and that he had made the journey to Court.

 

Mouse shoots dentist

This isn’t funny.
A Dutch dentist died a tragic death on his holiday location in the French Dordogne. The dentist had taken a shotgun into the garden of his holiday cottage to hunt for mice. He wanted to kill a mouse with the butt of his gun, but the blow caused the gun to go off and it killed the dentist.

Thursday’s Trifles

Thursday’s Trifles are based on what I’ve read in our local newspaper Dagblad van het Noorden.

Girl power

A 32-year old moron robbed the bag of a 90-year old lady and tried to ran away with it. He didn’t reckon however with her feisty 78-year old sister, who tackled him to the ground and sat on him.

The two sisters had just been to church when the asshole saw his chance. He grabbed the bag out of the hands of the 90-year old woman, but her sister seized the shithead, shoved him to the ground and then sat on him. Unfortunately the guy was too strong, managed to wrestle himself out from under her and fled. Fortunately he got caught by the police.

Go grandma!

Thursday’s Trifles

Thursday’s Trifles are based on what I’ve read in our local newspaper Dagblad van het Noorden.

No sliding pole for firemen due to Dutch Working Conditions Act

The new fire station in Leeuwarden will not be equipped with a sliding pole. Apparently lots of accidents happen when firemen slide down the pole and aren’t away quick enough (before the next one slides down) or they hit the ground too hard on landing. The DvhN saw an opportunity to interview a fireman about this groundbreaking news story.

“Are you no longer allowed a fireman’s pole because of the reputation pole dancing has?”
”Ah! You’ve given me an idea for the opening act of our new fire station!”
……….
”So, you are not allowed a sliding pole because of the Working Conditions Act, but you have to enter buildings that are on fire?”
”We do have a slightly heroic profession, but we should not go looking for risks to take.”
……….
”It sort of resembles fierljeppen.” (Fierljeppen, or far-leaping, is a Dutch/Friesian sport. Competitors sprint to a pole of about 10 meters long, grab it, climb to the top of the pole while that starts to fall down over a body of water and (hopefully) land on the other side of the water on a bed of sand.)
”With fierljeppen people often land in the water. Perhaps that is what we should do too.”
……….
”Is there a sliding pole in the other fire station in Leeuwarden?”
”That station belongs to the volunteer fire department. They arrive straight from home and don’t go running upstairs first just to uphold a tradition.”

I love the surreal idea of fire fighters running into the station and up the stairs, so they can slide down the pole to get to the fire engines.

 

Be careful what you wish for

A 50 year old man has been lying dead in his room for four years, while his two brothers and two sisters lived in the same house in a village in the Netherlands.

His brothers (61 and 67) and sisters (44 and 71) said that the last time they had seen their brother was in the Spring of 2006. He didn’t feel well and went to his bedroom, telling the others not to disturb him. They respected what turned out to be his last wish and left him in peace.

The house needed some work and the landlord notified them they could expect some building inspectors. One of the brothers decided therefore to go to his brother’s bedroom, although he had promised to leave him alone four years ago, to tell him he could expect visitors and found his brother lying on the bed. He probably died in the Spring of 2006, not long after he went up to his room.

The police say that the brothers and sisters of the man just hadn’t thought of the possibility that their brother had died. The body was completely dehydrated and his room had been closed for four years.

They did not have any contact with their neighbours, so nobody noticed someone was missing.

Oh, I do hope these people are the last in their gene pool.

 

Men just háve to look at beautiful women

They can’t help themselves. Researchers of the VU (University) in Amsterdam have concluded that men just can’t help looking at attractive women, because they are ‘programmed’ by evolution. Attractive women often are young and healthy and can therefore produce a lot of offspring.

Women however, are far more interested in ambitious and important men. Women don’t care as much about how a man looks, whether they are bald or red haired, whether the only six-pack they have is the one in the fridge. As long as these men are filthy rich can provide for their children, the sexy women are quite happy.

Now, where is the news in that? We all knew this didn’t we? No expensive research needed. Duh!

in fact, about 20 years ago i was waiting for the elevator in the office block I worked in, when a couple of my male colleagues joined me. one of them was new to the company. he introduced himself, looked at me and said: “you look like you can produce some great children.”
now, had he been a red haired or bald guy with a six-pack in the fridge I'd have immediately taken him up on his offer. unfortunately for him he had an ungroomed black beard and i had the feeling he would not have a great career.

Thursday’s Trifles

DIY coffin

An entrepreneur from the Netherlands has thought of a new concept (new to the Netherlands anyway); a Do-It-Yourself coffin. And our local newspaper interviewed the man. A small piece of the interview:

“Can someone with two left hands put this coffin together?”
”It’s very easy.”
”So the old widow can do it too?”
”Perhaps a tad slower, but she can put the coffin together too.”
”Will I be spotting your flat packs sticking out of car windows or on top of car roofs, just like the IKEA flat packs?”
”Could be…………………”
”Assemble your own coffin?”
”It sounds sinister. But there are many possibilities to give your own turn to your funeral. On YouTube you can see someone who has been embalmed and put on a motorcycle.”
“IKEA gives you a hex-key with their flat packs.”
”We supply one screwdriver. That’s all you need.”
”Are you not afraid that people will use your DIY coffin for other purposes? A rabbit-cage for instance?”
”I think 350 Euros for a rabbit-cage will be slightly expensive. And you’ll need a piece of wire-mesh too.”
”Will you supply that too?”
”No, we will not supply that.”

Are you tempted to search for that video on YouTube?

 

No lure-Jews

Because of the increasing anti-Semitism and violence against Jews in Amsterdam, the use of ‘lure-Jews’ (police officers dressed as Jews to catch anti-Semites red-handed) was suggested by a Dutch political party.
But the police in Amsterdam has no intention to use ‘lure-Jews’ in their fight against anti-Semitism. Although they have in the past used: lure-cars, lure-bicycles, lure-houses and lure-grandmothers. They have also used a lure-homosexual once.

 

Hard praying at the World Championship Football/Soccer

Wesley Sneijder, a Dutch football (soccer) player currently playing for the national team, turned Catholic because of his upcoming wedding to Yolanthe Cabau van Kasbergen, who already was a devout one. Dutch media informed us that Yolanthe and Wesley call each other every day to pray the Rosary together. An internet-entrepreneur saw an opportunity to get some publicity too and told our local newspaper, Dagblad van het Noorden, that he had sent Wesley a Roman Catholic Starter Kit.

“What is in this Roman Catholic Starter Kit?”
”A Prayer ring for your little finger. It has 10 beads for 10 Hail Marys. And a bottle of wine, because Catholics enjoy a good wine. And a car magnet.”
”A car magnet?”
”For in the ‘Wesley-Wheels’. With a picture of Saint Christopher, patron of safe travel. And the book Catholicism For Dummies.”
”Does Wesley play better football now?”
”He scored a goal against Slovakia.”
”And that was God’s foot?”
”That is not my place to say.”
”Did Jesus play football?”
”I think football was invented much later.”
”Would He have been a Winger? Or a Goalkeeper?”
”Perhaps a good Midfielder?”
”Is there an SC/FC Vatican?”
”There is a Priest’s tournament for the Clergy Cup.”
”Lots of red cards?”
”And yellow and green ones. If you get a green one, you have to pray Hail Marys for two minutes at the side of the field.”
”Hopefully the Vatican doesn’t have a pupils team.”
”I knew that would come up in the conversation.”
”So now Wesley has turned religious, do we have a better chance of becoming Champions?”
”And talent is a factor. The opponents can pray hard too. Brazil is a very Catholic opponent.”
”Do the Brazilians have an advantage?”
”Kaká once said he wanted to be a priest.”
”So whatever happens, God will be the winner?”
”That sounds rather evangelical. You won’t hear that from me.”

Thursday’s Trifles

Our local newspaper, Dagblad van het Noorden, provides us not only with important need-to-know-news, but also with fun interviews (the one concerning the ‘wildplasser’) and not so important news that is just amazing or funny. So I’ve decided to share some of these pieces of ‘news’ with you every Thursday from now on and call that Thursday’s Trifles. I will not translate the whole interview or article. But I’ll give you a decent summary.

Men have more spatial aptitude than women.

Interview with someone from a games development company about their research into the spatial aptitude of men and women.

The games development company concluded that men have better spatial aptitude than women. Their research consisted of interviewing 500 people and a practical test.
”All 500 people did the practical test?”
”No, one man and one woman were asked to pack things in a suitcase and in a car. The man did it quicker and better.”
”Was he a mathematician?”
”Just a normal guy.”
”And the woman was confused? Or did she only have one arm?”
”She was a normal woman who likes camping. …….”
”Did the man and woman also have to perform a parallel parking test?”
”No, that is a different test. But women are better in packing a suitcase.”
”So, their spatial aptitude doesn’t go any further than a suitcase?”
”….”
”What gets left at home when there is no more space in the car?”
”The hairdryer. ….”
”You are a games company. What does this research have to do with games?”
”We also make small games, that people can take with them on their holiday.”
”People rather bring games than a hairdryer?”
”Sociability is important on holidays.”
”You believe that women rather spend the evening playing games than blowdrying their hair?”
”A whole evening blowdrying, that’s no use to anyone.”

 

No date with rich man.

The council of a Dutch district wanted to register local unmarried mothers on welfare with a dating agency. They had made arrangements with a dating agency and an image/styling consultancy to ‘update’ the candidates.
Project ‘Up to Date’ was dropped after it caused a lot of outrage within local politics. It was criticized as being loathsome and unethical.