Thursdays Trifles: Reading Handbags

“ What?” I hear you say. “Reading handbags?”

Yes. Apparently handbag-reader Yoeke Nagel organizes a course in ‘how to read a ladies handbag’. Who knew. And who wants to know?

One of the fun loving journalists of the ‘Dagblad van het Noorden’ was interested. Part of the interview he had with her, I have translated for you:

“But a man isn’t allowed to look into a woman’s handbag, is he?”
”Only with permission.”
”What’s in a woman’s handbag?”
”More than she knows. On average 34 objects. Of which she uses about eight. Six lipsticks, an agenda of two years ago. A key, but what of?”
”Why?”
”If she happens to meet a mass murderer, she wants to be able to give him a chainsaw. Prepared for every situation. Everything she subconsciously is scared of, or desires, she connects to objects.”
”Scared of what?”
”Three pairs of handkerchiefs in case she has to cry. Red lipstick in case she has to make a public speech and that she never uses.”
”…..”
”Why the handbag addiction?”
”Every handbag stands for a different aspect of that woman. A bag is also a lifebuoy that she can cling to if she’s out on her own.”
”An insecure woman has a large handbag?”
”She can also carry things for kid, colleague or partner.”
”….”
”Is a handbag part of the woman?”
”It is an additional part of her DNA. There are Paradise Women who don’t carry a lot in their bags, because nothing is perfect. They read glossy interior magazines and want a new interior every month. And there are Cuckoo Women who put their things in their friend’s bag.”
”The woman without a handbag?”
”She must exist. Somewhere.”

 

Now. I’ve checked my handbag. I found two small packets of tissues, my purse and car keys. And when I go out, I’ll put my mobile phone and my iPod in it. That’s it. No chainsaw, lipstick or other kinds of makeup. I put my face on at home and that’s it. No touching up will be done during the day/evening. And I do read glossy interior magazines, but I don’t need a new interior every month. What does that say about me? I’m confused.

What do you carry in your handbag?

Thursday’s Trifles

Thursday’s Trifles are based on remarkable news I’ve read in our local newspaper the Dagblad van het Noorden.

How to create your own indoor swimming pool

A confused prisoner (with a hospital order) has recently created his own indoor swimming pool. The guy used stopper/adhesive and foil sheeting to seal of all the gaps in his accommodation and then turned on the taps.

The water already reached his chest when prison officers first tried to pump out his room. When that didn’t work they pulled open the door, causing the water to flood the hallway. The confused guy’s actions caused a lot of water damage.

 

Want to be a sexy guy? Move your left wrist and your right knee.

Men who want to seduce women through their dance moves should mostly move their left wrist and right knee. Research carried out by psychologists of the British Northumbria University proved that women mainly look at a man’s left wrist and right knee to determine whether he is attractive or not.

The psychologists filmed the dance moves of nineteen men. They then turned that footage into a computer animation, with Avatar-like creatures. So the looks of the men made no difference to 35 women who then had to say which dance moves they found most attractive.

Men who think their posterior determines their success are wrong. Women apparently focus on the left wrist and right knee. Head and chest do also count. Those are the body parts that women use to establish whether a man is healthy, energetic and strong and thus will be a good mating partner.

“If a man knows which moves make the difference, training can improve his chances to attract a woman through dancing”, according to psychologist Dr. Nick Neave.

Thursday’s trifles

Want to end it all? Wait 6 months!

GGZ Friesland (a mental healthcare organization) will be sending ex-patients a picture postcard to prevent them from committing suicide.

Six months after their treatment with GGZ has finished, they will receive the picture postcard with the question ‘how are you doing?’ and a personal message from their own healthcare worker. Australian research showed that such a sign of care and involvement can prevent people from committing suicide. For people who feel depressed again such a postcard will hopefully be a motivation to seek help.

 

In the same edition of the newspaper:

Suicide and depression are costing Japan billions

Japan has one of the world’s highest suicide rates. Last year almost 33,000 Japanese people ended their lives. For the last 12 years the suicide rate in Japan has been structurally above 30,000. Top of the top-list (sorry, very inconsiderate of me) is Belarus. Japan is No. 8 on the list.

 

We just can’t help it

If you favour beautiful people and ignore ugly ducklings, you can’t help that. It is nestled somewhere deep within our being. Subconsciously we prefer more attractive people. Even if we don’t want to judge someone solely on his or her looks, subconsciously we do. Attractive people get better jobs, earn more money and get shorter prison sentences. So we do not purposely discriminate less attractive people, we just can’t help it. This is the conclusion of research by the University of Nijmegen.

 

Sniffer dog hunting for bacteria

Sniffer dog Cliff will be assisting the VU hospital in Amsterdam in their battle against the hospital bacterium clostridium difficile, that can cause severe diarrhoea. The two year old beagle Cliff has been trained to search for patients who are infected with this bacterium, so these patients can be isolated to prevent further spreading of the disease.

Thursday’s Trifles

Thursday’s Trifles are based on what I’ve read in our local newspaper, the Dagblad van het Noorden.

Most irritating noise

Earplug producer ‘Herriestoppers’ (Noise stoppers) is looking for the most irritating noise in the Netherlands. Reason for our fun loving newspaper editors to interview a ‘Herriestoppers’ spokesperson:

“What kind of noises does this research include?”
”All sorts of noises. Screeching chalk on blackboards, nails on a blackboard. Snoring can be irritating to the partner.”
”Can you send in a snore anonymously? How will you keep them apart?”
”Snoring can vary from deep grumbling to high whistling.”
”Maybe your wife has sent in your snore?”
”There is that possibility.”
”But the most irritating noise is known isn’t it? The Mosquito (an ultrasonic teen deterrent)?”
”Mosquito? Never heard of that.”
”I don’t know how old you are. The Mosquito produces high tones that only juveniles can hear and discourages anti-social youths from gathering somewhere unwanted.”
”A colleague of mine here says he knows about the Mosquito.”
”What is the prize for the winner with the most irritating noise?”
”A holiday to a beautiful subtropical island in the Pacific.”
”But there are lots of little mosquitoes!”
”We’ll give the winner some ‘Herriestoppers’ and perhaps some insect repellent.”
”Who’s in the jury?”
”It’s about the most votes. A filter prevents people from continuously voting for themselves.”
”Will you use the most irritating noise to improve your product?”
”We get an insight in what people find irritating. And people ask for earplugs in fun colours.”
”Earplugs are ‘in’?”
”Hearing impairment is currently a hot item. In discotheques, pop festivals and building projects you’ll notice much more people wear hearing protection. Since my work for ‘Herriestoppers’ I use them too.”
”So everyone in your office wears earplugs?”
”No, we are not allowed to snore in the office.”

 

Most popular pet names

A magazine called ‘Onze Taal’ (Our Language) has taken stock of the most popular pet names in the Netherlands. Apparently people who have multiple pets make combinations of their names. Not only dogs and cats get ‘duo names’, but rabbits, fish and hamsters too. In the Dutch top 5 are:

• Ko and Nijn (rabbit = konijn)
• Ot and Sien (popular characters from an old children’s book)
• Urbi and Orbi
• Black and Dekker
• Chip and Dale
• Sjors and Sjimmie (two comic figures, based on Perry Winkle and the Rinkeydinks)

Most popular are Donder and Bliksem (Thunder and Lightning).

Any ideas or suggestions, dear readers, for the most popular ‘duo pet names’ in your country?

Thursday’s Trifles

Thursday’s Trifles are based on what I’ve read in our local newspaper, the Dagblad van het Noorden.

Miraculous resurrection

A dead chicken came back to life after almost an hour. Reason for our fun loving newspaper editors to interview the owner of the miraculous chicken.
“Mouth-to-beak-resuscitation?”
“I’m not crazy!”
“What happened?”
“We came home from a barbecue party. My daughter found chicken Curry floating in our pool. Dead.”
“The chicken couldn’t swim?”
“The chicken couldn’t swim.”
“And then?”
“I wanted to dump the dead chicken in the garbage container. But the children thought that was sad, so we were going to bury it the next day in stead. Since I work on an ambulance I started to massage the chicken. You know, in one hand the chicken and in the other hand a pint.
But first I held the chicken upside down. Lots of water came out. And after about 45 minutes it regained consciousness.”
“A miracle?”
“I don’t know anything about chickens. We keep them for fun.”
“Was Curry shoved into the pool?”
“You’re thinking of attempted murder? I think it just flew in the pool.”
“Maybe the neighbours…?”
“Our garden is enclosed. And the chickens don’t even cluck.”
“You keep more than one chicken?”
“Sateh may have escaped too. But she was back in the coop again.”
“Curry? Sateh? Will they end up in the frying pan eventually?”
“No, if that was the case it would have been better if I’d chopped Curry up into a pan immediately. She was freshly dead!”

Thursday’s Trifles

Thursday’s Trifles are based on what I’ve read in our local newspaper: the Dagblad van het Noorden

A day late, sorry. But better late than never. Who would want to miss such important information!

What does this flower remind you of?

Each year the Flower Council of Holland organizes an election for the best office plant. This year’s winner is …tadaaaaa… the Anthurium scherzerianum or the Flamingo plant. Oh yes!
Regular Thursday’s Trifles readers will have guessed it: our fun loving newspaper editors saw an opportunity for an interesting interview with one of the members of the jury.

”Does the Flamingo plant survive a summer holiday without water?”
”No, it won’t make it.”
”Is the Flamingo plant pink?”
”Yes, it’s pink. But it can also be another colour. And with a little bit of imagination the flower (or actually the spathe) resembles a Flamingo beak.”

“Isn’t this a distinctly commercial election?”
”It is indeed an initiative of the Flower Council of Holland, but  plants are very important in offices. Especially people who do creative work perform better when there are plants in their offices.”
”In my office we have a lonely, plastic palm.”
”I would consider real plants if I were you.”
”How did the election go?”
”A jury of professionals has judged 6 candidates. Criteria were the ability to purify the air, maintenance aspects, availability and diversity, like sizes and colours. Three candidates remained.”
”And then?”
”Then thirty executive secretaries chose the Flamingo plant.”
”Executive secretaries? Is the Flamingo plant such an executive plant?”
”Not really. But the secretary often decides what goes on the desk.”
…….
”Saps of the Flamingo plant can cause skin and eye irritation.”
”Many plants are more or less poisonous. Some taste good and are eatable. You shouldn’t eat leaves of the Flamingo plant.”
”Better to bring a packed lunch from home?”
”That would be better.”

 

To censor or not to censor

The Royal Library in The Hague will put ‘Nazi newspapers’ from the Second World War on the internet. The library considers it important ‘to place the historic reality uncensored at everyone’s disposal’. Also this will open possibilities for important scientific research.
The Royal Library will be putting all newspapers from the past 400 years on the internet, freely accessible to anyone.
The problem with the newspapers from the 2nd World War who supported Nazi ideas, is that the Royal Library could be held responsible for distributing discriminating contents. Furthermore the institute can be considered an accessory to persons who will misuse these newspapers.
The department of Justice has already warned that publication of these ‘Nazi newspapers’ could be cause for the Public Prosecutor to take action.
The Royal Library is willing to take the chance and to see if the department of Justice will decide to prosecute.
CIDI (Centre Information and Documentation Israël) prefers these newspapers not to be published on the internet, but to stay in the library or for researchers to be given access to a ‘private’ website.
Eventually the Royal Library’s website will contain about 8 million newspaper pages.

Thursday’s Trifles

Thursday’s Trifles are based on what I’ve read in our local newspaper,  Dagblad van het Noorden.

A goat is not a dog

On the Dutch island Terschelling the police found a boy (aged 16) who was on a walkabout with a goat. Our fun loving newspaper editors published an interview with a police-spokesperson.

“Taking a goat for a walk after a night out is a custom typical for Terschelling?”
”I shouldn’t think so. The boy was on his way back to the campsite after a night out and he was very drunk.”
”Did you just by chance come across this guy?”
”Yes, we saw the young man standing by the roadside at three o’clock in the morning, with the goat. And we thought: ‘that does not look like a dog’. So we decided to ask him what he was doing.”
”And?”
”He was really really drunk and told us a story about him just wanting to take the goat for a walk.”
”Did he perhaps need someone to talk to?”
”Could be. He insisted that he had only borrowed the goat for a little stroll. But perhaps he wanted to steal the goat. We gave him a fine.”
”Was the guy even approachable?”
”He was in a very cheerful mood.”
”Cheerful?”
”He thought it was all a big joke. He had to laugh about everything.”
”And when you gave him the fine? Was he still laughing?”
”I imagine he’ll think twice next time he wants to take a goat for a walk.”
”How did the goat take it’s abduction?”
”Very well. The goat was cool about it. Perhaps it even enjoyed the adventure. Goats are not thát intelligent.”
”No?”
”Well, I think dogs have some intellect, but goats are quite stupid.”

 

Thursday’s Trifles

Thursday’s Trifles are based on what I’ve read in our local newspaper, the Dagblad van het Noorden

Monkey Rugby with pacifiers

Monkey zoo Apenheul in Apeldoorn hands out pieces of string so parents with small children can tie their pacifiers to the buggies. A necessary action, because otherwise the 128 Saimiri monkeys (squirrel monkeys) that are roaming around freely, nick them.

(the Saimiri monkey in the video below is obviously looking for the real thing)

So, our fun loving newspaper editors interviewed someone from the Apenheul about this:

“Isn’t it a better idea to buy 128 pacifiers? One for each squirrel monkey?” ”We could have done that, if they do actually use the pacifiers for suckling. But they don’t.” ”What dó they do with them?” ”They see it as a sport to nick them and then they play sort of a rugby game with it. Chasing each other while trying to capture the pacifier.” ”And do they hand the pacifiers over to the keepers?” ”Not always. If only one of the monkeys has captured a pacifier, they all try to snatch it. We can usually hear from their squealing that they have something and we will try to get the object back.” ”Do they only nick pacifiers?” ”Unfortunately they nick all sorts of things. We hand out monkeyproof bags for people to put their things away safely if they walk through the part of the park where the monkeys are roaming around freely.” ”Once the pacifier of my girlfriend was stolen by one of your monkeys. Lots of tears of course!” ”That can’t have been too long ago. Perhaps we still have it.” ”Are you pulling my leg?” ”I’m only joking. Sometimes we’ll find a pacifier, but if it is somewhere high up in a tree we can’t get to it.” ”So… what sort of string is it that you are handing out?” ”We are still looking for real pacifier strings or ribbons. For now we just give the parents a piece of normal string.” ”What do the monkeys think of this?” ”They hate it! They have been demonstrating against it for days. No, wait, I’ll ask the keeper. Ah. He says they haven’t approached him about it yet.”

Quite a spectacle

A 35-year old man from Helmond (which translates to Hellmouth. Imagine living there.) has been arrested for stealing 100 spectacles from an optician’s store. He broke the window, nicked the 100 spectacles and fled the premises on his light moped. Somewhat later the police noticed the suspect sputtering away on his moped, but he ignored their stop sign. At which point one of the police officers got out of the police car, borrowed a bicycle from an innocent bystander and continued the chase by bike. The suspect was eventually stopped. He didn’t give an explanation for the theft of the spectacles and has been jailed pending further investigation.

Orang-utans give get master class gymnastics

Orang-utans in Ouwehands Dierenpark Rhenen (a Dutch zoo) will be given a master class in gymnastics Friday afternoon by Olympic gymnast Epke Zonderland. The Orang-utans have recently moved to a new accommodation, which is higher and houses 8 tree-shaped poles that go up to a height of 10 meters. Those poles are new to the Orang-utans and the apes don’t really master the art of climbing anymore. Epke will do his gymnastic exercises in an ape free zone underneath the trees, but they can see him. The zoo hopes the apes will learn the ‘tricks of the trade’ from Epke.

Thursday’s Trifles

Thursday’s Trifles are based on what I’ve read in our local newspaper Dagblad van het Noorden

Crabzilla

Sea Life Scheveningen will be the new home for a Japanese Giant Spider Crab, or Giant Japanese Spider Crab, whichever you prefer, with a leg span of 3.5 meters (11.5 feet). It weighs 15 kilos. This spider crab was caught in the Pacific Ocean at the end of last year.

Of course the DvhN considered this to be a wonderful subject for an interview with someone from Sea Life Scheveningen:

“Who will be Crabzilla’s new housemates?”
”He will live together with thornback rays, spotted rays, blond rays, tub gurnards, seabass, dogfish and catfish in a 30,000 liter aquarium.
”Are his new housemates psychologically prepared yet?”
”That will be a bit difficult to do. But this crab may look dangerous; it isn’t. Normally it scavenges around on the bottom of the sea for ‘leftovers’. It doesn’t run around hunting for live food. On the contrary. He won’t hurt a fly fish.”
……
”Can he predict the football results?” (referring to psychic squid Paul)
”There is no need for that now the World Championships are over.”
”How does one transport a broadloom crab?”
”Simply in a refrigerated truck. He is only broadloom when he is stretched out, but that is not his natural position.”
”So you won’t have to fold him?”
”No no, usually his legs are bent.”
”Can he expect any female visitors?”
”I wouldn’t think so. Even though females are smaller than males, it will get a bit crowded in the aquarium. He must be able to tramp about in his new home.”

 

Reverse parking challenge championships for women

On the 17th of September the first Reverse Parking Championships For Women will be held in Antwerp (Belgium). It is open for women from the Benelux (Belgium, Netherlands, Luxembourg) and is organized by car rental company Hertz.

 

I’m sorry I don’t have more entertaining or weird news for you this week. Hopefully next week…

Thursday’s Trifles

Thursday’s Trifles are based on what I’ve read in our local newspaper Dagblad van het Noorden

A fine 50% discount

A judge in Groningen detracted 50 Euros from a fine, because the suspect had taken the trouble to make the journey to the Groninger Court to defend himself. A trip of about 200 kilometres.
The man was convicted because he had, under the influence of alcohol, demolished a window of his brother’s car. The judge gave him a 100 Euros fine, of which 50 Euros were a conditional sentence, taking both into consideration that the guy had already paid for a new window for his brother’s car and that he had made the journey to Court.

 

Mouse shoots dentist

This isn’t funny.
A Dutch dentist died a tragic death on his holiday location in the French Dordogne. The dentist had taken a shotgun into the garden of his holiday cottage to hunt for mice. He wanted to kill a mouse with the butt of his gun, but the blow caused the gun to go off and it killed the dentist.

Thursday’s Trifles

Thursday’s Trifles are based on what I’ve read in our local newspaper Dagblad van het Noorden.

Girl power

A 32-year old moron robbed the bag of a 90-year old lady and tried to ran away with it. He didn’t reckon however with her feisty 78-year old sister, who tackled him to the ground and sat on him.

The two sisters had just been to church when the asshole saw his chance. He grabbed the bag out of the hands of the 90-year old woman, but her sister seized the shithead, shoved him to the ground and then sat on him. Unfortunately the guy was too strong, managed to wrestle himself out from under her and fled. Fortunately he got caught by the police.

Go grandma!

Thursday’s Trifles

Thursday’s Trifles are based on what I’ve read in our local newspaper Dagblad van het Noorden.

No sliding pole for firemen due to Dutch Working Conditions Act

The new fire station in Leeuwarden will not be equipped with a sliding pole. Apparently lots of accidents happen when firemen slide down the pole and aren’t away quick enough (before the next one slides down) or they hit the ground too hard on landing. The DvhN saw an opportunity to interview a fireman about this groundbreaking news story.

“Are you no longer allowed a fireman’s pole because of the reputation pole dancing has?”
”Ah! You’ve given me an idea for the opening act of our new fire station!”
……….
”So, you are not allowed a sliding pole because of the Working Conditions Act, but you have to enter buildings that are on fire?”
”We do have a slightly heroic profession, but we should not go looking for risks to take.”
……….
”It sort of resembles fierljeppen.” (Fierljeppen, or far-leaping, is a Dutch/Friesian sport. Competitors sprint to a pole of about 10 meters long, grab it, climb to the top of the pole while that starts to fall down over a body of water and (hopefully) land on the other side of the water on a bed of sand.)
”With fierljeppen people often land in the water. Perhaps that is what we should do too.”
……….
”Is there a sliding pole in the other fire station in Leeuwarden?”
”That station belongs to the volunteer fire department. They arrive straight from home and don’t go running upstairs first just to uphold a tradition.”

I love the surreal idea of fire fighters running into the station and up the stairs, so they can slide down the pole to get to the fire engines.

 

Be careful what you wish for

A 50 year old man has been lying dead in his room for four years, while his two brothers and two sisters lived in the same house in a village in the Netherlands.

His brothers (61 and 67) and sisters (44 and 71) said that the last time they had seen their brother was in the Spring of 2006. He didn’t feel well and went to his bedroom, telling the others not to disturb him. They respected what turned out to be his last wish and left him in peace.

The house needed some work and the landlord notified them they could expect some building inspectors. One of the brothers decided therefore to go to his brother’s bedroom, although he had promised to leave him alone four years ago, to tell him he could expect visitors and found his brother lying on the bed. He probably died in the Spring of 2006, not long after he went up to his room.

The police say that the brothers and sisters of the man just hadn’t thought of the possibility that their brother had died. The body was completely dehydrated and his room had been closed for four years.

They did not have any contact with their neighbours, so nobody noticed someone was missing.

Oh, I do hope these people are the last in their gene pool.

 

Men just háve to look at beautiful women

They can’t help themselves. Researchers of the VU (University) in Amsterdam have concluded that men just can’t help looking at attractive women, because they are ‘programmed’ by evolution. Attractive women often are young and healthy and can therefore produce a lot of offspring.

Women however, are far more interested in ambitious and important men. Women don’t care as much about how a man looks, whether they are bald or red haired, whether the only six-pack they have is the one in the fridge. As long as these men are filthy rich can provide for their children, the sexy women are quite happy.

Now, where is the news in that? We all knew this didn’t we? No expensive research needed. Duh!

in fact, about 20 years ago i was waiting for the elevator in the office block I worked in, when a couple of my male colleagues joined me. one of them was new to the company. he introduced himself, looked at me and said: “you look like you can produce some great children.”
now, had he been a red haired or bald guy with a six-pack in the fridge I'd have immediately taken him up on his offer. unfortunately for him he had an ungroomed black beard and i had the feeling he would not have a great career.

Thursday’s Trifles

Thursday’s Trifles are based on what I’ve read in our local newspaper Dagblad van het Noorden.

Dust to dust… Would you like to be diluted or freeze-dried?

For some reason Death seems to feature a lot in the Thursday’s Trifles. I’m sure it’s not an omen and I’m not morbid. I read an interesting story in, you’ll never guess, the Dagblad van het Noorden, about how you can be environmentally friendly, even after your death. Of course you’ll have to be taken to the place of your choice by bicycle (not by motorcycle, see the previous Thursday’s Trifles) to diminish your carbon footprint even more. But hey, that’s not what this article was about. It was about the following, and I’m telling this in my own words, so don’t get angry at the DvhN for being disrespectful or whatever.

so, Would you like to be diluted or freeze-dried?

Resomation and Cryomation are more environmentally friendly ways of removing your body from the Earth (perhaps I should add ‘after your death’ just to be clear) than cremation (they didn’t take burial into the equation, not sure if that would be more or less ‘green’. Sorry that I can’t enlighten you on that point. You’ll have to take a guess.)

Resomating a body means that it is placed in a bath of water and alkaline fluid, which is brought to a temperature of 180 degrees Celsius. A chemical reaction dehydrates the body and it decomposes in about three hours. Remains the skeleton and that is grinded to a fine dust. Voila.

Resomation produces significantly less CO2 than cremation and it uses less energy. Another benefit is that mercury and other harmful contaminants will not get into the atmosphere. (Mercury already is up there, isn’t it? Somewhere between the Sun and Venus?) Also the powder remaining after the resomation process is much finer and whiter than that what’s left after cremation, but if it was me, I’m sure there would be a big grey, or even worse – brown, blob in the pure white powder. I’ve never been able to keep white white. And I don’t think there are any coke-sniffers among my family and friends, one can never be sure though, so I’ll probably be safe and not end up in someone’s nose. The things one worries about…. Vacuum cleaners for instance.

(Which reminds me; one of our friends was home alone one evening and saw a huge, great big, elephant sized spider in a corner of the room. With no one around to rescue her, she grabbed the vacuum cleaner and sucked up the creepy crawly. Next evening, home alone again, she saw the same enormous spider in another corner of the room. She got the vacuum cleaner out and sucked up the spider again. Third evening, not home alone, there it was again! So her hubs came to the rescue, picked up the spider and put it outside. After which we came to the conclusion that spiders go ‘WHOOHOOOO!’ when they get sucked up and yell ‘AGAIN!’ when they get out. Vacuum cleaners are a spider’s roller coaster ride.)

Back to what this was about, being diluted or freeze-dried. Another option is Cryomation. Also fun! A lot colder though. Your body will be kept for 10 days at minus 18 degrees Celsius. After that it is immersed in Liquid Nitrogen until it’s brittle. A light shake and all that’s left of you is a little pile of powder. I hope no one sneezes. Cryomation is the greenest method of disposal. No CO2, mercury or dioxin emissions at all. And, according to www.cryomation.co.uk you get all the person back. ‘With traditional cremation techniques, approx 2.5% of the body is returned in the form of crushed calcified bone (ash), with Cryomation you get all the person back (less the moisture of course) in powder form and ready to be planted or interred.’

Now, that’s a relief! I’d like to be planted and let another one of me grow from my cryomated remains. How green can you get?

My parents live quite close to a crematorium. My father often mentions that he hopes the wind direction will be good, so that he will be home in time for dinner when he’s cremated.

Thursday’s Trifles

DIY coffin

An entrepreneur from the Netherlands has thought of a new concept (new to the Netherlands anyway); a Do-It-Yourself coffin. And our local newspaper interviewed the man. A small piece of the interview:

“Can someone with two left hands put this coffin together?”
”It’s very easy.”
”So the old widow can do it too?”
”Perhaps a tad slower, but she can put the coffin together too.”
”Will I be spotting your flat packs sticking out of car windows or on top of car roofs, just like the IKEA flat packs?”
”Could be…………………”
”Assemble your own coffin?”
”It sounds sinister. But there are many possibilities to give your own turn to your funeral. On YouTube you can see someone who has been embalmed and put on a motorcycle.”
“IKEA gives you a hex-key with their flat packs.”
”We supply one screwdriver. That’s all you need.”
”Are you not afraid that people will use your DIY coffin for other purposes? A rabbit-cage for instance?”
”I think 350 Euros for a rabbit-cage will be slightly expensive. And you’ll need a piece of wire-mesh too.”
”Will you supply that too?”
”No, we will not supply that.”

Are you tempted to search for that video on YouTube?

 

No lure-Jews

Because of the increasing anti-Semitism and violence against Jews in Amsterdam, the use of ‘lure-Jews’ (police officers dressed as Jews to catch anti-Semites red-handed) was suggested by a Dutch political party.
But the police in Amsterdam has no intention to use ‘lure-Jews’ in their fight against anti-Semitism. Although they have in the past used: lure-cars, lure-bicycles, lure-houses and lure-grandmothers. They have also used a lure-homosexual once.

 

Hard praying at the World Championship Football/Soccer

Wesley Sneijder, a Dutch football (soccer) player currently playing for the national team, turned Catholic because of his upcoming wedding to Yolanthe Cabau van Kasbergen, who already was a devout one. Dutch media informed us that Yolanthe and Wesley call each other every day to pray the Rosary together. An internet-entrepreneur saw an opportunity to get some publicity too and told our local newspaper, Dagblad van het Noorden, that he had sent Wesley a Roman Catholic Starter Kit.

“What is in this Roman Catholic Starter Kit?”
”A Prayer ring for your little finger. It has 10 beads for 10 Hail Marys. And a bottle of wine, because Catholics enjoy a good wine. And a car magnet.”
”A car magnet?”
”For in the ‘Wesley-Wheels’. With a picture of Saint Christopher, patron of safe travel. And the book Catholicism For Dummies.”
”Does Wesley play better football now?”
”He scored a goal against Slovakia.”
”And that was God’s foot?”
”That is not my place to say.”
”Did Jesus play football?”
”I think football was invented much later.”
”Would He have been a Winger? Or a Goalkeeper?”
”Perhaps a good Midfielder?”
”Is there an SC/FC Vatican?”
”There is a Priest’s tournament for the Clergy Cup.”
”Lots of red cards?”
”And yellow and green ones. If you get a green one, you have to pray Hail Marys for two minutes at the side of the field.”
”Hopefully the Vatican doesn’t have a pupils team.”
”I knew that would come up in the conversation.”
”So now Wesley has turned religious, do we have a better chance of becoming Champions?”
”And talent is a factor. The opponents can pray hard too. Brazil is a very Catholic opponent.”
”Do the Brazilians have an advantage?”
”Kaká once said he wanted to be a priest.”
”So whatever happens, God will be the winner?”
”That sounds rather evangelical. You won’t hear that from me.”

Thursday’s Trifles

Great news

for coffee drinkers. People who drink up to 4 cups of coffee a day diminish their chance of getting a cardiovascular disease by 20% compared to people who drink no coffee at all or more than 4 cups a day. This is the conclusion of research carried out by the UMC (University Medical Centre) Utrecht, who studied the lifestyle of 37.000 people.
Tea is even better for you (as if you didn’t know that already). Drinking tea diminishes the risk of getting a cardiovascular disease by a third.

So I’m thinking; if I drink 4 cups of coffee and 4 cups of tea a day… I’ll have about 47% chance of dying of a heart attack? 
 

Women rather go shopping

Another wonderful research, carried out by a marketing- and business consulting agency. Apparently 25% of women are not interested in football. Really?

A short summary of an interview in our local newspaper:

“You’ve only interviewed women?”
”We thought that women were the most likely not to be interested in football. They’d rather watch something else on TV or go shopping.”
”But women prefer to go shopping anyway don’t they?”
”………. Of the women who don’t like football, 57% even prefer cleaning the house.”
”So, if you’re unlucky the sound of the TV will be overshadowed by that of the vacuum cleaner.”
”………. Many women even prefer going to the dentist.”
”My dentist has a small TV-screen above the chair.”
”Hopefully he won’t get a woman in his chair who doesn’t like football.”
”Perhaps it’s better if he switches the channel to something like ‘the Bold and the Beautiful?”
”Women prefer to watch a movie.”
”But that takes too long at the dentist’s.”
”Perhaps some movie trailers”?

And apparently 5% of the women only watch football for the men playing and it would be more interesting to us women if the ban on footballers taking off their shirts was revoked.

Really?

 

You catch a pike with a beessie

First some background: a large supermarket chain called Albert Heijn gives you a ‘beessie’ with every 15 Euros  you spend. Yep, more junk. The ‘beessies’ they hand out have something to do with the World Cup Football currently going on in South Africa.

I personally can’t see the relation between a ‘beessie’ and the football, but hey, who am I to have an opinion about something I don’t have a clue about and am not interested in. Although I’d rather watch the football than clean the house. But that says more about how much I like to clean the house than about how much I like to watch football.

Anyway, I digress. ‘Beessies’ are available in the colours red, white, blue and orange. Funnily enough a friend just sent me a photo of his questionable trainers, but with a ‘beessie’, so I can show you what it looks like. We also would like your opinion on the shoes. Would you want to be seen wearing trainers like that? 

And now a summary of the interview with someone from a website for anglers who found out that using a ‘beessie’ to catch a pike works very well.

“Why are ‘beessies’ so very popular with pikes?”
”They move through the water wonderfully. If you remove the wire from the ‘beessie’, it dances nicely through the water. The pike will be provoked by that and eats it.”
“Do the fish only like the orange ‘beessies’?”
”Any colour will do. The redhead is a hit. That’s a ‘beessie’ with a red head and a white body.”
”Can you get a redhead at the checkout?”
”You’ll have to make it yourself. Anglers often create ingenious structures. I know someone who uses wooden carrots and bananas as bait.”
”You’ve organised a competition?”
”For the duration of the World Cup. Any fish caught with a ‘beessie’, can be entered in the competition.”
”Does a photo show if the fish has actually been caught with a ‘beessie’?”
”There is of course a risk of fraud. But I warn anyone who tries to cheat! They will be hit by the wrath of many Gods! Besides, anglers are extremely honest. They never lie about their catch.”

Thursday’s Trifles

World Cup Collection

The police in Groningen (the Netherlands) came up with a cunning plan to collect outstanding fines. They decided to visit everyone in Groningen who owed the police money. But when would they have the best chance of finding these people at home? Of course! During the World Cup football match: the Netherlands - Denmark.
So if during the game the doorbell rang, for certain people chances were that on the doorstep they’d find a couple of police officers to collect an outstanding fine. If the naughty person didn’t have enough money to immediately pay the fine(s), they were taken to the police station. None of those people wanted to miss the game, so money was collected from friends, neighbours and relatives.
The campaign was a big success.

 

You have the right to remain silent

The very frustrated owner of a business that went bankrupt punched the curator/lawyer who handled the bankruptcy in the face. The lawyer decided to seek publicity by sending an email about the assault to the media. Our local newspaper asked him why they had received two emails from him within a short period of time. The lawyer answered that he handled the publicity of his wife’s political campaign too and therefore had some experience in writing press releases. Hence the emails to the newspaper.
”Can we expect more emails from you?”
”Rest assured, I will not send out a press release for every fart that escapes me”, the lawyer answered.

(Isn’t that a relief?)

 

Pigs in Space Invaders

Researchers of the University of Wageningen (the Netherlands) have asked farmers to think about the possibility to develop a computer game for pigs in order to increase their sense of wellbeing.

(I have an old laptop that we’ve used to try to get my mother online – she asked for it-, which proved to be an impossible task. She’s hopeless. Perhaps we can give it to Nufnuf and Tumtum to improve their quality of life? Any suggestions which game we could install?)

Thursday’s Trifles

Our local newspaper, Dagblad van het Noorden, provides us not only with important need-to-know-news, but also with fun interviews (the one concerning the ‘wildplasser’) and not so important news that is just amazing or funny. So I’ve decided to share some of these pieces of ‘news’ with you every Thursday from now on and call that Thursday’s Trifles. I will not translate the whole interview or article. But I’ll give you a decent summary.

Men have more spatial aptitude than women.

Interview with someone from a games development company about their research into the spatial aptitude of men and women.

The games development company concluded that men have better spatial aptitude than women. Their research consisted of interviewing 500 people and a practical test.
”All 500 people did the practical test?”
”No, one man and one woman were asked to pack things in a suitcase and in a car. The man did it quicker and better.”
”Was he a mathematician?”
”Just a normal guy.”
”And the woman was confused? Or did she only have one arm?”
”She was a normal woman who likes camping. …….”
”Did the man and woman also have to perform a parallel parking test?”
”No, that is a different test. But women are better in packing a suitcase.”
”So, their spatial aptitude doesn’t go any further than a suitcase?”
”….”
”What gets left at home when there is no more space in the car?”
”The hairdryer. ….”
”You are a games company. What does this research have to do with games?”
”We also make small games, that people can take with them on their holiday.”
”People rather bring games than a hairdryer?”
”Sociability is important on holidays.”
”You believe that women rather spend the evening playing games than blowdrying their hair?”
”A whole evening blowdrying, that’s no use to anyone.”

 

No date with rich man.

The council of a Dutch district wanted to register local unmarried mothers on welfare with a dating agency. They had made arrangements with a dating agency and an image/styling consultancy to ‘update’ the candidates.
Project ‘Up to Date’ was dropped after it caused a lot of outrage within local politics. It was criticized as being loathsome and unethical.