BOO!
(no honestly, it's okay isn't it?)
(gawd, see how insecure I am?)
(just ignore these last three lines)
Saturday, January 02, 2010
Something very special, just for you
First of all, A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR to all of you. May only good things happen to you and may there be lots of sunshine in your life this year. Even if it rains.
And I would like to mark this special occasion, the start of 2010, with a very special gift to you. You see, I'm a very shy person. You wouldn't know it if you'd met me, but I would love to spend my life somewhere under a rock. I'd be perfectly happy living in the middle of nature, with my beloved animals and hubs and an internet connection. I'd make do without the luxury of a washing machine (although it is quite convenient to have a working one, as I've discovered last year when I had to wait far too long for someone to repair my broken one), I wouldn't mind making coffee in the old-fashioned way: grinding beans, cooking water and gradually adding that to the filter with the ground beans in it. You see, I'm thát old that I still know how to make coffee without the all-singing-all-dancing-fancy-espresso-machine that graces our kitchen with its presence. And I have forgotten some basic English and am not sure if 'ground' is correct. Thát old!
It's not that I don't like people. I do. I love my friends. And they love me. I'm reasonably anti-social, in that I don't like parties and if I can help it I won't go, I don't phone people (I do text and email however), and I don't often go to any of them. For some reason my friends accept my weirdnesses. I have some great friends.
I'm shy and very unsure, although I'm a master in never (éver) showing that to anyone but hubs. And if I tell someone I am, they never believe me. Because "you are so self-assured". Uhuh. No. I'm not!
I am so unsure about the way I look, that there are no photos of me from the age of about 15 up to now. Except for the hideous ones on my drivers licence and passport. I hate the way I look on photos. And if I see one of myself I genuinly have to cry. I know. It is shallow. But every time I convinced myself that I was not the ugliest person alive and someone took a photo of me, I had proof that I actually wás. I hope you understand how utterly traumatic seeing a picture of me has been. For me that is. Other people could look at a photo of me, before I grabbed it, tore it apart and threw it away, without obviously being disgusted. After I got rid of the photo, I would get rid of the photographer. We will never see them again...whahaha. (Oh, and just to warn you: don't say to someone as traumatised about his/her own photograph as me, that they "look just as they are in real-life" without wearing a helmet.)
Anyhoo. I'm telling you all this, just to let you know how véry special this post is. Just for you! Because, actually, I have...yes...I really have...a photo of me that I can look at and be proud of. And I've taken it myself. And to make it even more special, it is REALLY close-up. And I feel that you, as my very kind and sweet blogpals, might appreciate seeing me.
I took it on the same day as the one in my sidebar, my 'profile-picture'. But that is sort of a disguised/hidden photo. I was quite happy with that one too. Otherwise I would not have posted it. It is all the result of the photography-course I did last year. One of the assignments was to make a self-portrait. Gosh, you don't know how much courage it took to make these and actually look at them. So, either I have become better to look at, or I can better look at me. Or, I have finally got used to the way I look. Or, after almost 45 years of trauma, I don't care anymore. So, now there is a recent photograph of me. Always useful if I get misplaced or lost.
I'm really not fishing for compliments, but feel free to give them.
Here it is. Look away now if you are easily scared...
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I am the same way, I do not like photos of myself and I am a scrapbooker. I feel bad because most of the photos are of the boys and their dad, etc...
ReplyDeleteAnyway, you are beautiful, you have the perfect complexion.
Hugs,
Cece
Golly, I could have written that post, except for the part about English... no, I could say that, too. The sad thing is I have no other language.
ReplyDeleteBTW - great pic
Oh gosh, you sound just like me! I do have photos of me, some I actually like, but to show them in public? If you saw my Facebook page you would understand how much like you I am because I chose a shot where my face is in shadow, AND I'm wearing a broad-brimmed hat and sunglasses. LOL!
ReplyDeleteAnd I hate talking on the phone and hardly ever go to parties, and yes, people say 'but you're so self-confident' and I'm really not, just good at putting on a show.
Now. Your face? It's exactly the kind of face I like best. It's a good face. It may not be conventionally 'model girl of seventeen' beautiful, but to me, those kind of faces aren't beautiful. Your kind is. ;)
And it's a great photo, too!
Happy and especially healthy 2010!
ReplyDeleteAnd there's nothing wrong with that face! Two eyes in the right place, a nose in the middle and a mouth at the bottom. Nice skin, no scary hairy warts and hair on both sides!
Nice to visually meet you Carolina...
If you hadn't told us about that English thing, we'd've never known. I wish more Americans had as good a handle on the language. I'm sure the Brits feel that way?
ReplyDeleteLove your courage and conviction to share. You are beautiful!
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year.
Cece,
ReplyDeleteI found it a real discovery that apparently I'm the only person who can take a decent photo of me. Perhaps you should try it too. Just point the camera towards your face and shoot!
Oh, and thank you ;-)
Uncle Skip,
do you think this insecurity is a blogger-thing? Because I have friends who don't blog and they don't mind being photographed. Hmm...
And thanks (big smile) ;-)
Jay,
... I'd like to refer you to the comment I made above this one. Could it be a common thing among bloggers?
I'm glad I have a good face, hehe. I'm even starting to believe it myself now, haha. Thanks ;-)
Mara,
the scary hairy warts are on my chin
(no, not really, but you have to believe me on my word now)
Ivan Toblog,
it is all thanks to years of education, watching the BBC and lots of searching thefreedictionary.com for the correct spelling
Carolina,
ReplyDeletethat was such refreshing to read about your confessions. I too am a bit anti social..if you wish to call it that.
Recently, someone told me about a really good book they thought I should read. I am going to get it, as it places some of my behavior modes into a recognized place . I am a highly sensitive person , and apparently, it makes us special. I am glad to know this!!
Y9our photo is beautiful...as you truly are !
KK
Oh my beautiful, beautiful Carolina...we are indeed two of a kind. I spent the greater portion of 2009 trying NOT to see myself as others see me...you know...others like...YOU? In 2010, I pray you will take the time to see yourself through the eyes of others...like MEL.
ReplyDeletexxoo
Haha 'ground' is just fine! Your English is impeccable. I'm a bit of a social recluse myself. Quite happy with my own company. Carolina I know exactly what you mean about people thinking you're confident when in fact you're not. A classic trait of an introvert, is actually appearing quite extrovert. As for photos, I understand completely which is why I 'tamper' with any photos of me . . cartoonise them or texturise them before publishing. I really don't photograph well at all. And people tell me I look different in real life so go figure, perhaps the camera does lie.
ReplyDeleteI also need to do another photography course. The day I did a full day workshop, it poured torrential rain so we managed the theory but no practice and I've forgotten most of it.
And your photograph is beautiful. You have a wonderful complexion and not a grey hair in sight! I love discovering what the blog writers look like all their faces are fabulous and interesting and charming, as is yours. Happy New Year!
Even if it rains........are you kidding me? It has not stopped raining here since the year started!
ReplyDeleteAs with a lot of your other commenters, I too am a photophobe. If you look at my blog you will see that my face is always blurred out. One reason is to maintain my anonymity and the other is that I just don't like looking at myself. I am a typical introvert - I hate big parties, lots of people etc and would be quite happy if 99.999% of the world's population disappeared, leaving just me, my family and friends, including all my blogging friends. I, however, am not able to cover up my insecurities by behaving like an extrovert. Anyone who knows me knows that I am an introvert through and through. Still, it was nice to see you in all your beautiful glory but I shall not be returning the favour.
We are so much alike! You could have been writing that about me. I love your new photo, it's beautiful. Seriously, you look healthy and happy and full of life.
ReplyDeleteThey say birds of a feather flock together - this old bird certaily agrees with your no pics, no parties ( unless it's one I'm throwing, so's I know all the guests!). Perhaps this is what makes blogging our ideal medium? I thought your self portrait superb, and I would love the chance to draw your face, which certaily looks beautiful to me - have you been crossing your eyes by mistake, when you look at yourself?! That's the only way you could call yourself ugly!
ReplyDeleteI think both your new profile pic and the one posted here are really nice. Thank you for posting and sharing them with us.
ReplyDeleteI hope you had a good Christmas and a very Happy New Year to you. :-)
'Ground' is perfect; no problem with your English. But when you started talking about showing us a photograph of yourself I thought, "Oh, no, she's going to show us her blue/purple legs again, I just know it." I have never been so glad to be wrong.
ReplyDeleteYou, Carolina, are a beautiful specimen of human femininity. You write well and with great humor. You take stunning photographs. And you love and raise horses. I think they should elect you Queen.
P.S. - I also classify myself as an introvert, although people get strange looks on their faces when I say so.
ReplyDeleteOK?!?
ReplyDeleteIt's absolutely lovely, my dear. I mean that, most sincerely. You have a wonderful skin tone, the warmth radiates from you. If you weren't already hitched - and me, likewise - I'd make some wholly inappropriate comment about how much I feel like reaching into the photo, taking your face in my hands, and kissing you, long and soulfully. But, we're both married, so I won't :-)
Oh you silly, lovely woman. You don't even let us get the full picture but it's a good start. As much as I despise pics of myself, I must remind you that we are always our own worst critics.
ReplyDeleteLet the photogs snap away, you have some pic-less years to make up for!
Now do we get to see your legs in an unbruised state? ;)
It's so hard to feel comfortable with our appearance when we're shy - and, yes, I'm including myself here! I look at photos now (and there are plenty of then as I live with a photographer or two!) and I wonder who that old woman can be. I can't see past the lines and saggy bits.
ReplyDeleteYou have a lovely face.
You're BEAUTIFUL! I could have walked away without saying anything ya know. =)
ReplyDeleteEve-ee is how I've been pronouncing it in my head.
I got really close so I could see. So there :P
ReplyDeleteOMG. It's you! Not that I haven't seen you already. But I was rather surprised when I came back to the blogging world and you had a face. Not that I didn't know you had a face, it's just that your previous face looked a lot like a puppy I know you have. Your new face is much more YOU like. I like it. It's a good face for a Carolina.
ReplyDelete